Now that we are past Christmas (the best holiday of the year) it’s time to gear up for New Year’s Eve (the worst holiday of the year). That’s right. New Year’s Eve is officially the worst holiday of the year in my Indispensable Guide to Life. There are other bad ones too, and I am here to make a countdown of the five worst. I realize that I already gave away my number one worst holiday and that was probably poor planning on my part, but if you’ll bear with me, when we get to number one I will give you some ridiculous reasons why it’s the worst. Let’s begin.
THE FIVE WORST HOLIDAYS OF THE YEAR
5. Groundhog Day– This will be an unpopular opinion in my state of residence. While I will acknowledge that rodents are more qualified meteorologists than the ones on TV, I don’t need them to tell me that the weather is going to continue to be awful every February 2nd. I already know that simply because I live in Pennsylvania. If rodents really wanted to share useful information they should have spoken up in 1346 and said something like, “Hey I just saw my shadow, that means the fleas that I’m carrying are going to kill somewhere between 100 and 200 million people. Oh, yeah, there will also be six more weeks of winter.”
4. Boss’s Day– Really? If you’re the boss, isn’t every day boss’s day? Just seems a little redundant.
3. Valentines Day– I’ve already done a big write up on Valentines Day and its links to the Greeting Card industrial complex. I almost put Labor Day here because it is the unofficial end to my favorite season and I’m pretty sure it has something to do with communism. (I’m right about that by the way)
2. Black Friday– Yes. In 24 states it is actually an observed holiday. The only good thing about Black Friday is that every year we get to watch new Youtube videos of people fighting and being trampled at Wal-Mart. These are obviously the only people left on earth who haven’t heard of Amazon.com. I would like to suggest that we keep them in the dark because I could watch people throw punches over a Power Wheel all day.
1. New Year’s Eve– This is the biggest let down holiday on the schedule. 5-4-3-2-1, yay, the ball that they claim is brand new but looks exactly like the one they’ve been using for the last twenty years has reached the bottom of the flag pole. What now? Do I get a present? No? So you’re telling me we went through all that build up just to welcome Monday? And it’s still bitterly cold? I should have gone to bed hours ago. I’m going to fall asleep watching the bowl games now. Great. This has totally messed up my meal schedule. Who gave the kids noise makers? New Year’s Eve is the worst.