Ok, so here is my plan for domination of the internet. I have always had an interest in politics. While I would never want to run for office myself, there is a lot to learn from this world. The first thing, never trust anyone else with your money. The second thing, you can scare or guilt people into doing anything.
So, I am going to scare and guilt people into reading my blog. Yes, and you, my three readers can help. Since I don’t want to argue politics here, because I already know I’m right anyway, I have the advantage of being able to use both political playbooks.
Here we go. Tell your hippie friends that this blog is completely GMO free and emits virtually no carbon footprint. By getting really close to the screen they should be able to smell the patchouli oil. In fact, if they read this once a week, they will actually save one acre of rainforest. If they don’t read, I will personally chop down one tree. Tell your NRA friends that if they don’t read this, SWAT teams will descend on their residences in the wee hours of the morning to take away their assault weapons, handguns, shotguns, bb guns, cap guns and squirt guns. However, if they do read, someday, they may all be able to legally purchase shoulder held rocket launchers. Tell your grandparents and other elderly people that you may know, that if they don’t read this, the government is going to take away their Social Security and Medicare, and CBS will cancel The Price is Right. They will also all be forced to use complicated cell phones and more than one tv remote. But if they do read at least once a week, free hard candies for everyone. Tell all your Republican friends that if they read, I will personally help them reach out to Democrats to convince them that they aren’t racist, selfish, homophobes, who want to kill every remaining endangered species. If they don’t read, no Keystone XL pipeline, and,,,,,,,,President Hillary. Tell your Democrat friends that if they read, no one will ever be able to buy a Super Double Big Gulp ever again, all weapons will be confiscated, and Al Gore will be declared the winner of the 2000 Presidential election. If they don’t read,,,,, I will reveal to everyone that Republicans aren’t actually racist, homophobic, nature haters, and,,,,,,,President Ted Cruz.
I think that covers a broad enough group of people for now. I’m sure I can think of more. Remember, this is a grass roots campaign. I may try to rustle up some campaign buttons and maybe a t-shirt or two. Meanwhile, keep reading, you are saving the planet, stopping forest fires, and bringing about peace on earth one word at a time.
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