First World Inventions

Let’s play a game.  It’s called the First World Inventions/Am I An Awful Person? game.  I am going to list five inventions that are borderline ridiculous and only exist in first world countries.  Keep score at home.  At the end of the article you can discover how good (or bad) of a person you are.

1. Remote control window blinds-  Seriously.  What are you a Bond villain?  This is one of those add ons that window treatment companies will try to sell you.  I’m sorry that getting out of your chair to close the blinds is too much effort.
2. Roombah-  Who has floor space clear enough to use one of these?  They obviously don’t have children.  If I had one, it would be sliding around the living room, full of Legos while the boys shot at it with Nerf guns because, hey, moving target.
3. 

   Our famous/infamous can opener.

   Electric can opener-  My wife disagrees with me on this one.  I’m going to put it in here because I am biased.  We went though the first 13 years of our marriage using just a camping can opener.  It was small, had no handle, and whenever we had guests who wanted to help in the kitchen, they couldn’t figure out how to use it.  We bought several regular can openers that were supposed to replace it, but they always broke.  A year ago, my mom (who thought the 13 year streak was ridiculous) bought us a nice can opener (non-electric).  I am forced to admit that it was an upgrade.  Electric can openers, however, are silly and hard to clean.  They always get all gunked up with stuff from the cans.  If you exercised your wrists using a regular can opener, maybe you wouldn’t need the next product.

4. The Snuggie-  Bought a Snuggie?  The joke is on you.  You probably already had one.  It’s called a robe.  If ever the need for a blanket with sleeves arose, you could have just grabbed a robe, put it on backwards and sat down on the couch to do whatever people who have issues with cold wrists do.  I would just like to point out that regular blankets have been doing a fine job at keeping people warm for, I don’t know, thousands of years.
5. A TV that is 70 inches or larger-  I know.  It’s kind of judgy of me.  But c’mon.

If you own one of these, you’re probably okay.

If you own two, you’re still probably okay.

If you own three.  Uh oh.

Four.  Yeah, you’re probably not that great of a person.

Five.  You are a Bond villain.  An eccentric one.  But let’s be honest, is there any other kind?  I picture you sitting on the couch in your Snuggie, eating a can of Chef Boyardee that you opened with your electric can opener, petting your white cat while you use the remote control to close the blinds because the sun was causing a glare on your huge television.  Oh, and your Roombah is stuck in the corner.