News Of The World

I like the news.  If you look at it from the right perspective, it’s all comedy.  My wife has no time to keep up with the news, so I have become her news aggregator.  I collect all the important headlines of the day and summarize them for her.  Sample: “Hi honey. Here’s what you missed today.  One of the presidential candidates started barking like a dog at a campaign rally, and three more Hoverboards caught fire.  How was your day?”  I am prepared to do the same for everyone else.  Here are my favorite headlines from the past week.

• Government of Jamaica Fights Zika With Dancehall Reggae Anthem.  I don’t want anyone to think that I am mocking this.  In fact, I think that we would all be better off if all public service announcements were made in the form of dancehall anthems.  (Don’t drink and drive- needs a dancehall anthem.  Don’t text and drive- needs a dancehall anthem.  Stop smoking- needs a dancehall anthem.)  Or, in the case of Scandinavia, death metal anthems.
• Furious George:  Monkey in Brazil Drinks Rum and Chases Bar Patrons With Knife.  Between the Zika and the drunken knife wielding monkeys, it seems like a great place to hold the Olympics.  What could go wrong?  Maybe the government of Brazil could make a Zika public service announcement with the armed monkey performing a dancehall anthem.  You’d never forget to put on your mosquito repellent.
• Did Aliens Leave Behind This 2,800 Year Old Nokia?   I refuse to believe that a long time ago in a galaxy far far away anyone was using a Nokia.  It would totally ruin my picture of aliens.  When E.T. phoned home, he didn’t build a Nokia.  If this does happen to be an alien phone though, I would like to know who their cell provider is.  Because right now, I’m having trouble with dropped calls in my own kitchen.  On a side note.  Do you think Apple will help the government crack the security on the alien phone?
• Robotic Limb Turns Drummer Into Three-Armed Musical Cyborg.  This is all well and good until the robotic arm attacks him with a drumstick.  I swear that real life resembles the plot from Terminator more every single day.  Don’t say that James Cameron and I didn’t warn you.  Before he went all Avatar crazy, he was a brilliant filmmaker.
• Teenage Boy ‘Poses as Doctor’ In Hospital Gynecology Department For A Month.  This will be the last entry for today because, as headlines go, I’m not going to be able to top it.  A whole month.