In a surprise longwalkabout exclusive, George Washington has secured an interview with yours truly. His representatives contacted me, and they tell me that he is very interested in learning about the current state of the country. I, of course, was extremely flattered. I wanted to know why he chose me in particular. They bluntly stated that it was because Ryan Seacrest couldn’t fit him into his schedule until March of next year, and they were told I wouldn’t be busy, like,,, at all. A little bit hurtful to be honest.
Without further adieu.
M: Mr. President, what a pleasure, truly honored to meet you.
G: A pleasure to meet you too, not to be rude, but if we could jump right into things, My people have managed to get me tickets to Hamilton this evening.
M: Sure, sure, what would you like to know?
G: Well, I wanted to talk to someone about the state of things in America. I’m here to learn.
M: Great. I brought some things to show you. Here’s a dollar. As you can see, you’re featured prominently on this bill.
G: May I?
M: Of course.
G: What can you buy with a dollar?
M: Not much to be honest. But with four of them you can get a loaf of bread. With five, you can get a gallon of milk.
G: Wow. So I’m on a semi-worthless bill?
M: Sort of. But it is our most common currency. So you’ve got that going for you.
G: Is there a hundred dollar bill?
M: Oh yeah, absolutely.
G: Who’s on that one?
M: Benjamin Franklin.
G: You’ve got to be freaking kidding me. He wasn’t even a president. I swear, he weaseled his way into everything.
M: ……
G: Well,,,,, let’s move on. I’m curious, what do we build in America these days?
M: Glad that you asked. We build a lot of Dollar Stores where we sell tchotchkes that are made in China. So, there you go. A lot of bills with your face on them are spent there. Also we build a ton of pharmacies. I mean, there’s one on virtually every corner. Oh, and convenience stores, we also build those. When I think of it, the sheer number of convenience stores may have something to do with the number of pharmacies.
G: Somewhat depressing. Do we actually produce any goods of our own?
M: Ummmm. Not much in the way of physical goods, but we’ve made eighteen Fast and Furious movies.
G: So, if as a country, we don’t produce anything, what does everyone do for work?
M: Well, a lot of people work for the government. And hey, don’t forget about all those Dollar Stores, convenience stores, and pharmacies. People work there too.
G: Wait, wait, wait. You said the government employs a lot of people.
M: Oh yeah, tons of people.
G: What do they do?
M: No one’s really sure. Except for the IRS. They collect taxes.
G: Taxes?
M: Yeah.
G: …………
M: …………
M: Maybe we should move on. Not sure if you’re aware of this, but they built a huge monument in your name in DC. I brought a photo of it to show you.
G: Great,,,,,,, an obelisk. How many times do I have to tell people that I’m not a Freemason? Those guys latched on to me and they won’t let it drop.
M: So, you don’t like the monument?
G: To be honest, I’m not a fan. What’s that monument across the pool from mine?
M: Oh that, that’s Abraham Lincoln’s monument. He was another president.
G: That is classy. I much prefer that.
M: I kind of agree with you sir.
M: Here’s some other stuff I brought. These are all magazines that are published in the United States today.
G: Who is that handsome lady on the cover of Vanity Fair?
M: Oh,,,,, right,,,,,, I don’t think we have enough time for me to explain that, sir.
(to be continued)
Love it!!!!
Thanks so much.