A Vegetarian In A House Full Of Left-Handed People

I am a vegetarian.  Wait.  Don’t stop reading. I’m not going to try to convince you to be one too.  I couldn’t care less what you eat.  And while it’s true that I’ll probably outlive you, it’s not because of my diet.  It’s because I’m really good at remembering to look both ways when I cross the street.  That,,, and the fact that I have vowed to stay away from methamphetamines.  I just point out that I’m a vegetarian because it is one of the things that make me the odd man out in my own house. The other reason I wanted to point it out is so I could answer one question that I get ALL THE TIME.  I meet someone.  Somehow conversation gets to the fact that I’m vegetarian.  Then, the inevitable question.  “But you eat fish right?”  Well,,,,,, NO.  Last time I checked, they weren’t growing on trees.  And I just checked yesterday, so my information is pretty current.  The term “fish farming” has nothing to do with plants.  Ok.  Got that out of my system.

Yes, my existence at home is a solitary one.

• My youngest son is left-handed, and his diet consists of four things.  Strawberries, scrambled eggs, Eggo waffles, and chicken in various forms.  Wings, tenders, barbecue, and most importantly, Trader Joes chicken chile verde burritos.  I would just like to point out that he is aware that fish is meat.
• My oldest son has a widely varied diet.  It is so widely varied that sometimes I think he watches Animal Planet to get new menu ideas.  We went to a restaurant while on vacation last year and he ordered a whole fish.  (Yes, he was aware that it was meat) When they brought it out from the kitchen, his face was the happiest I’d seen it in two months.  He is also left-handed.
• My left-handed wife is also not vegetarian.  She loves fish and chips.  One of her favorite meals actually.  I always tell her that she was forty years old when she was born, so I’m pretty sure she has always known that fish is meat.  Just to clarify. When I say that she was born forty, I mean that as a four year old she was probably bothering her father about what his five year plan was.  He was probably like, “Will you chill out?  I just asked if you wanted to go to McDonalds.”
• The dog is obviously not a vegetarian.  Not sure if he’s left-pawed or not.  He can be kind of a jerk sometimes.  I’m going to go ahead and assume that he has no idea that fish is meat.  I mean, he eats napkins, bugs, grass, carrots, nectarines……. We got him at an adoption event so I’m not totally sure of his breed.  Sometimes I think he’s half golden retriever half goat.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat a grilled cheese, while I watch family pull apart a barbecued chicken.  Barbarians.