Happy New Year. All evidence points to 2016 being a year full of totally ridiculous events. I have compiled a list of things to do, eat, listen to, or watch that will help you survive a year of presidential politics, 23 new Marvel movies, Ben Affleck as Batman, and an NFL in decline. Sit back, enjoy, and then put reading this blog regularly on your list of resolutions.
- It is the 100th anniversary of the National Park Service. Get outside and enjoy one of the few things that the government does pretty well.
- Save up some money because most of the founding members of Guns N Roses are getting back together for a tour. They may not be the “most dangerous band in the world” anymore, but I’ve seen Axl lately and he can still sing. Thanks to the Rolling Stones, they also are not “the band most in danger of breaking a hip” so instead of going to see two or three mediocre bands, just go see GNR.
- The lines at Chipotle are short right now. Have a burrito. “But what about the E-Coli?” Stop. I guarantee you that the local Chipotle has never been cleaner than it is right now. It’s like skydiving. When’s the best time to go? Right after they’ve had an accident.
- Halestorm’s cover of Hunger Strike will make you smile. Eddie Vedder and Bob Dylan have one thing in common. All of their songs are better when they are performed by people who are not them.
- Trader Joe’s Kona Coffee Truffles.
- I recommend binge watching White Collar on Netflix. It’s a heist show with style and super likable characters.
- Take a surfing lesson. Better yet. Track down a copy of Endless Summer 2, watch it, and then take a surfing lesson. Then you can wear out your friends by telling them over and over again about the first time you stood up on a wave. Also, you can start calling your boss dude or brah, and tell him to stop harshing your mellow.
- Find out which food truck near you has the best falafel wrap and then eat there at least twice a month.
- Get a Groupon for a local paintball place. If you are a parent, take your kids. If you aren’t a parent, don’t worry, there will be a lot of other people’s kids there for you to shoot at. It’s therapeutic.
- Save 5 dollars a week. Halfway through the year that should add up to 130 dollars. Blow it. Spend it on something completely frivolous. Like, I don’t know. Maybe go to a movie and get the LARGE popcorn.
- Buy a brand new pillow.
- It’s going to be an exhausting political year. Whenever someone asks who you are voting for, answer them each time with the name of a different 70’s tv star. When they tell you that they don’t know who that is, tell them that he or she is representing some obscure political party that has something to do with the show that they starred in. Example: “I’m voting for Lee Majors, he’s representing the Scientific Information Party. He has a great personal story about overcoming injuries resulting from a spaceship crash. I can’t understand why he isn’t doing better in the polls.” Then walk away. Just walk away.
- Visit a botanical garden.
- Watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Then call out of work and go to a baseball game. Extra points if you identify yourself to the usher as the “sausage king of Chicago.”
- Find a deserving charity that you can donate time or money to.
- Buy a pair of Reef flip flops and rock them everywhere. If someone asks why you’re wearing them in a business meeting, just look them straight in the eye and say they were doctor prescribed. It’s all about confidence.
Here’s to a great 2016.
LINKS
- Yet another reason to be grossed out by hotels.
- On to other gross things. Here are the “germiest” travel destinations in the world.
- These twins born over New Years are gonna get really tired of explaining their birthdays to people.
- This pilot is a good dude.
Leave a Reply