LONGWALKABOUT

In my experience, roughly between the ages of three and seven, kids have delightfully little filter.  Whatever is happening in their little brains comes immediately out of their mouths.  It does not pass GO.  It does not collect two hundred dollars.  It is not subject to any Inside Out style pre-comment check that experience will later provide.  Often this has awesome results.  Don’t ever as a four year old a question that you don’t want an honest answer to.  “How do these shorts look, son?”  “They make you look like Sponge Bob, dad.”

When my wife and I were preparing for the birth of our second child we decided to take his older brother, who was four at the time, to a class they were having at the hospital for kids expecting a new sibling.  There were about ten other parents in attendance with their own kids, all roughly the same age as my son.  After a short introduction to the class, time came for us to go around the room and tell a little about ourselves.  The mother and her son to our right told us where they were from and that they had Japanese heritage.

Here I will stop and give two pieces of relevant backstory.  My little guy had just spent some time with grandma and grandpa. While at their house, he got to sit with grandpa and watch World War 2 programs on the History Channel.  (Much to mommy’s chagrin).  War being a difficult concept for a four year old, things just got boiled down to good guys and bad guys.  Also around the same time, for some reason or another (and most likely by his father), he had been introduced to the semi-obscure 80’s song Turning Japanese, by the The Vapors.  You may begin to see a dilemma taking shape.

While my oldest child has never been accused of being constantly aware of everything going on around him, in fact quite the opposite, he heard the word Japanese loud and clear.  He slowly turned to us with a smile of recognition on his face, while my wife and I slowly turned to him with wide eyed expectation of the worst.  It could go one of two ways.  Either we were going to get a loud, “Hey dad, weren’t they the bad guys in World War 2?”  Ooooorrrrr.  We were going to be treated to an impromptu rendition of “Turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so.”  Pick your poison.  Instead, he pulled a head fake on us.  He just sat there and smiled. The class proceeded.  About ten minutes later, the teacher handed out pictures for the kids to color.  My guy grabbed his crayons, got settled in, started to color,,,,,,,, and sing Turning Japanese.  To which I responded, and I quote, “Badadaddipopipp  aaaahhhhh ssshshshhhh, why don’t you use you red crayon and not sing.”  No one else seemed to notice.  Seven years later, I have no idea what was taught in that class, but I remember that my son knew the chorus of that song quite well.

After a needed break for Christmas, I emerged from an egg nog induced coma, managed to fight my way out of a pile of discarded wrapping paper, trip over three different gifts that the kids haven’t even played with yet, and grab three cookies on the way to the computer.  Why? Because I have important New Year’s Eve knowledge to share.

New Year’s is a ridiculous holiday.  It’s mostly an excuse for people to stay up late and watch generic pop musicians lip sync while Ryan Seacrest does a bad Dick Clark impression.  Then, at midnight, a giant crystal ball, that everyone swears is brand new and designed especially for this year, but looks suspiciously like the ball from the past five years with a 2017 glued to it, descends slowly down a flag pole towards the most anticlimactic moment of Sunday, January 1st.  Then, after Jenny McCarthy is finished kissing people in Times Square, Mr. Seacrest asks people what their New Year’s resolutions are.

Here is where everyone makes a their first horrible mistake of the year.  They vow that they are going to quit doing something, or to make more money, save more money, or to be more healthy.  And you know what?  8% of people achieve their goal.  8%.  Know why?  Because midnight on December 31st is no different from midnight on May 13th.  Except for the fact that in May, the weather is better and we’ll be right in the middle of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  There is nothing magic about New Year’s.  If you’re going to make a major life improvement, you have to choose to do it every day.  If you do insist on making resolutions and you don’t want to be one of the 92%, how about picking something you enjoyed last year and vowing to do more of it.  Here are some examples.

• Enjoy spending time with family?   Resolve to do it more often.
• Enjoy going to the movies?  Go more often.  Can’t afford to go more often? No problem.  Go to an early showing and then sneak into another movie after the first.
• Enjoy crystal meth?  You really should get some help with that.
• Enjoy reading?  Go to the library more often.  Or find a thrift shop with a really good book section.
• Enjoy pigs feet?  EWW.

Or you could identify some things that you really hated last year and vow to avoid them.

• Hate flossing?  You’re in luck.  Word on the street is that it’s a racket anyway.  (I am in no way qualified to give dental advice.)
• Hate cold weather?  Resolve to take a trip to a warm destination.
• Hate crystal meth?  Good for you!
• Hate pop music?  Download the Overdrive app for your phone, get a library card, and listen to some audiobooks.
• Hate lima beans?  Easy.  Stay away from lima beans.
• Hate Mexican food?  You are a foolish, foolish, foolish person.

You may say, “Marc, what are your resolutions?”  First of all, it’s very sweet of you to ask.  But I thought I made it clear that New Years Eve is more of a sham than Valentine’s Day.  However, if you’re going to force me to come up with some, here they are.

• I resolve to keep avoiding Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and The Who.
• I resolve to keep buying my kids books in ridiculous numbers.
• I resolve to finish a whole onion ring tower at Red Robin.  BY MYSELF.
• I resolve to go backpacking.
• I resolve to watch the 24 reboot and give you my honest opinion.
• I resolve to take several naps.

Chance of success?  100% —  Happy New Year!

LINKS

• If you must, Fodors tells you the top 20 places to celebrate New Years Eve.
• Because January is bitter, and cold, and dark, and makes you not want to leave your house.  Here’s everything that will be new on Netflix next month.
• Everyone in my generation lost an icon this week.  Here’s Carrie Fisher roasting George Lucas in 2005.  Farewell.
• If you want serious resolution advice, here you go.

When I had kids I looked forward to the sage child rearing advice that I would get from past generations.  Most of that advice ended up being, “Geez, I can’t quite remember what we used to do.  You’ll figure it out.”  While this was a bit disappointing, it ended up being fine, because as you quickly learn, nothing is more annoying than other people telling you how to parent.  You truly will figure it out.  That being said, here are some of the things that I learned throughout the first decade plus of my parenting experience.

1. Swaddling is the ticket.  You want your newborn to sleep like, I don’t know, a baby?  Swaddle them.  It’s like a straight jacket for babies.  They can’t move, so eventually they get tired of trying and they decide they might as well sleep.  I did this with both of my boys.  When my oldest was little he would always manage to get one arm out of the wrap. I would sneak up to the crib hoping he would still be asleep, peak over the railing, and there he’d be, looking up smugly with one arm stretched upward like Judd Nelson at the end of The Breakfast Club, in complete defiance of swaddling protocol.
2. It is never too early to introduce your kids to classical music.  Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, Van Halen (Hagar not Roth), anything fun.  C’mon, you don’t want your kid listening to depressing music.  Next thing you know they’re dressing in black, reading Sylvia Plath, watching foreign films, and be telling you that the whole family needs to go to therapy together.  All because they’ve never heard Livin’ On A Prayer.
3. Introduce your child to Christianity.  Yes, Christianity.  Human beings are designed to believe.  If you don’t give them something truly positive to believe in, it is guaranteed that they will latch on to something else, and that will become their religion.  Money, a political ideology, Pokemon Go, NASCAR, UFO’s, conspiracy theories about fluoride in the drinking water.  Oh, they’ll find a religion. Might as well make it the one that built the entire western world.
4. Let the kid get dirty.  You know which kids never get sick?  The ones who have pets and play outside.  If your 2 year old is riding around the back yard on a black lab, he will A- not be as susceptible to allergies, and B- not have to go to the doctor’s office much.  All bets are off on the doctor’s office thing if that black lab sees a squirrel though.
5. Keep in mind that if you leave your kid alone with grandpa their’s no telling what they’ll be watching on TV when you return.  You come back to get junior, and he’s sitting there with grandpa, watching World War 2 footage.  While this is really educational, it is also heavy subject matter for a four year old.  Thanks dad.  : )

There you have it.  Superfluous words of wisdom for future and current parents.  If this was of no help to you, I’m sorry.  But trust me, YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT.

PARENTING LINKS

• A list of 50 movies for kids to see before they are 12, from Common Sense Media.
• Want to watch movies with your kids but worry about the content?  Try VidAngel.
• My kids would bankrupt me if I paid full price for all the books they read.  Luckily I have a thrift store near me with a great book department.  If you don’t have one of those, try this site.
• A cool list of outdoor adventures every kid should have.

I avoided posting a Thanksgiving message yesterday because I know what all of you were doing.  Not browsing the net.  No, you were passed out in various places around your living rooms while football games were being played on TV’s no one was watching. So, I pushed this off until today, hoping that everyone would be home by now after having clawed your way through throngs of people to get discounted electronics.  Congratulations on your purchases.  Now here is my own deeply discounted list of things that I am thankful for this year.

1. I am thankful for my kids.    Even when the small one punches the large one on Thanksgiving morning, giving him a bloody nose.  He got his right hook from his mother.  Trust me.
2. I am thankful for Bruce Willis.  It’s like I tell my children every day.  “In a world full of whiny Hulks and Thors and depressing Batmans and conflicted Ironmans,,,,, be a John McClane.”  Of course, I rethink this advice when one of them gives the other a bloody nose, but eventually I come to the same conclusion, because if I have to see another comic book movie I swear I’m retiring to a Tibetan monastery.
3. I am thankful for Mexican food, or as they call it in Mexico, food.  If foods of all nationalities had a war, Mexican food would surely win on the basis that, meal for meal, it has the most solid offerings to bring to the metaphorical table.  Also, if there was such a war, English food would probably just get lost on the way to the battlefield and end up starving to death.
4. I am thankful for Islands Magazine for sending me Facebook updates on cold winter days that make me happy and angry at the same time.
5. I am thankful for anyone who reads this blog.  Your good taste is an asset to you, and may the new year bring you and your family many blessings and prosperity.  These blessings can be spread to all of your friends if they also read.  It’s like a pyramid scheme. The more friends you send my way the more good fortune you will have.
6. I am thankful for parmesan cheese.  Not just any old parmesan.  Good parmesan.  Trader Joes discontinued their brand, even though I staged a sit in at the local store by myself, chanting, “what do we want, Trader Giotto’s Parmesan and Romano, when do we want it, last Tuesday.”  Being banned from a grocery store is embarrassing.  Anyway, for anyone interested, I am currently recommending Mama Francesca’s Parmesan, Asiago, and Romano.
7. I am thankful for my wife.  She is exceedingly smart and cute and cooks good food and for the most part trusts me when I say things like “I got this.”  In other words, she continues to be out of my league.

7  1/2.  I am thankful for NERF guns.  But I am only thankful if I am the one shooting them. I am not thankful for them when I am having a conversation with someone and in the middle of said conversation I get hit in the back of the head with a dart and hear a 7 year old giggling and running away.

God Bless you.

Happy Thanksgiving

In the past, I’ve told my wife that rock music forgot how to have fun on or around September 24, 1991, the date that Nirvana released Nevermind.  Also in the past, my wife has looked at me with pity because she thinks I’ve put way too much thought into this.  I don’t listen to her though.  You simply can’t trust anyone who drives to work with the radio off.  Seriously though, Nirvana helped put a stake in the heart of one of the most fun eras of rock music, and I’ll never forgive them for that.  Thanks to them, throughout the 90’s and early 2000’s almost everyone’s cd changers were “full of singers that are mad at their dad.”  As Kurt Cobain reminded us in April of 94, you can only deal with so much of that music.  I know.  A little harsh.

Thankfully, one band came along to carry the torch for those of us who didn’t feel like pumping lyrical depression into our heads every day.  BOWLING FOR SOUP.  In 1994 they put out their first studio album and they’ve been pumping out gloriously irreverent music ever since.  Their latest offering, Drunk Dynasty, was released in October this year.  True to form, it’s fun, it’s well written, and it made me smile.

Dave Mustaine from Megadeth wrote, “Don’t remember where I was, when I realized life was a game, the more seriously I took things, the harder the rules became.”  Now, if you’ve ever listened to Megadeth, this apparently didn’t stop him from taking things really seriously.  Phew. He was right though.  That’s why I appreciate BFS and other bands like them.  They prove that you can deal with real subjects, things that could be depressing, in a tongue in cheek way without totally brushing off the importance of the subject matter itself.  You can only do this by maintaining perspective and always realizing that life as a whole is pretty absurd.

Wow, I almost started taking things too seriously there.

Oh, and,,,,,,,,, they recorded the theme to my favorite cartoon ever.  Phineas and Ferb.  The only kid show I’ll watch without my kids.  That’s a lie, I’ll also watch Tangled whenever it comes on. I love Tangled.

Here are my top 5, most favorite, best ever, Bowling For Soup lyrics.

“She said she needed a break, A little time to think, But then she went to Cleveland, With some guy named Leland, That she met at the bank.”  From the song-  Ohio

“We’ll have to build a shelter, but I’ll do at least half the work.”  From the song-  Couple of Days

“It was so long ago, That feels so strange to say, How does eighteen years ago, Seem just like yesterday.”  From the song-  Graduation Trip

“Dear Dad, You managed to turn your life around, Five separate times since you were born.”  From the song-  Kevin Weaver

“I’m gonna take the dog and leave you with all of the bills, And find somebody else to love with marketable skills.”  From the song-  Go To Bed Mad

If you are new to this band, and because of me and this little article, you take the time to listen to a few their songs, and you don’t like what you hear.  You’re wrong.

LINKS

• The video for Bowling For Soup’s 1985.
• Apparently McDonalds is going to introduce table service.  Because why would you want to burn any calories getting up to retrieve your high calorie food?
• Somebody bought the Amityville Horror house.  And they paid a lot.
• A grandma texted the wrong person about Thanksgiving dinner and gifted us all with something to feel good about.

Who doesn’t love pierogies?  You can’t go wrong with unleavened dough stuffed with delicious goodness.  I could go on and on about the things you can put in them like Bubba from Forrest Gump, but I won’t, because I have a story to tell.  If someone comes to me and tells me that they aren’t fond of pierogies, I immediately am suspicious of them.  It’s like when someone tells you they don’t like dogs.  I smile and nod like I understand where they are coming from, but on the inside I have already put them on a list of potential serial killers.

There is a place near where I live that makes pierogies from scratch.  You can stop in and pick some up to take home, but you have to do so early in the day because they sell out rather quickly.  A few years ago my sister and brother-in-law came to visit us for Christmas and we decided that taking them to get homemade pierogies would be a treat.  My sister had spent a year teaching in Poland and I was curious to see how these measured up against the real deal.  We piled in the car and drove to the small storefront.  The place was doing a brisk business, and there were a few people in line ahead of us.  That was fine, it gave us a chance to read the board and figure out what we wanted.  I made my decision.  Everyone else was still looking.  So my attention wandered.  To the people out on the sidewalk.  To the other customers.  To something that I just saw fall from the ceiling and land on the collar of my brother-in-law’s coat out the corner of my eye.  What was that?  Oh.  Yes.  Of course.  It was a cockroach.

I would like to pause here and explain a few things.  My brother-in-law is a sincere, really nice guy, who, unlike myself, dresses professionally more often than not.  No t-shirts and jeans.  If you looked at the two of us standing next to each other and you had to decide which one of us to hire.  It wouldn’t take you long to make your decision.  I imagine the quotes.

“Yes, we’ll hire the guy who dresses to impress.” Or

“Yes, we’ll hire the guy who is not wearing a concert shirt from five years ago.”  Or

“Yes, we’ll hire the guy who doesn’t look two months overdue for a haircut.”

You get the point.  He dresses sharp and expects like effort from the businesses he patronizes.

And,,,,,,,,, now he was standing two feet from me with a roach on the collar of his coat.  Dilemma.  What should I do?  I couldn’t make him aware of the problem and let him think that we took them out to some roach-infested dive.  I decided that swift action was the best course.  In one smooth, heroic motion, I swept my hand across the side of his collar, knocking the roach to the floor.  Now for the tricky part.  He turned to look at me.  I had to make it look totally normal that I was taking the time to brush things off of his collar in the middle of the shop.  Again, I heroically played it cool.  “Oh, you just had something on your coat.”  Then I turned back to look at the board, hoping he wouldn’t ask what.  If he thought it was weird, which I’m sure he did, he didn’t say anything.  We made our purchase and went home to cook them.  I know what you’re thinking.  “Wait, you still bought and ate them?”  Yes.  We did.  They were authentic.  And they were spectacular.

To this day, my brother-in-law does not know that this happened.  Some stories have a statute of limitations and I decided that enough time had passed on this one.  So when you read this, brother-in-law, don’t be disgusted.  Just remember how good the pierogies were, and that roaches are about 20% protein and only 5 to 7% fat.  So we’ve got that going for us.

 

SPECIAL LINKS SECTION

Everyone knows about the refugee crisis in Europe, but not everyone is aware of how the changes in the region over the last ten years have affected the Christian population there.

• A good article about the Wall Street Journal about Christians in the Middle East.
• The Catholic News Agency on the survival of Christianity in the Middle East.
• Interview with John Rhys Davies on the plight of Christians in the Middle East and Africa.
• A site dedicated to providing aid to Christians in the region.

In a brand new feature, I will be analyzing significant personal and cultural events of the past week.  You may think that this has been done a million times by a million different people, but I hope to bring you a fresh angle.  Analysis by someone who thinks that being a hermit is a viable, perhaps preferable, life choice.  It would also help if when you read this, you imagined James Earl Jones was reading it to you.

• The Chicago Cubs won the World Series this week.  This proves that billy goat curses either have an expiration date, or Theo Epstein (who has been involved in breaking two different curses now) wields some kind of strong black magic.
• I will grudgingly admit that the Cubs winning the series is an important sports event.  I will not, however, go out of my way to congratulate them or their fans.  Why?  Because I am a real sports fan.  I am not a Cubs fan.  All other teams except my team are inherently evil.  A little secret.  If I have ever congratulated a fan from some other team on winning a championship, I didn’t mean one word of it.  Whenever my team is eliminated from the playoffs, I start hoping that all the other teams left are somehow magically disqualified, because they are obviously cheating somehow.  How do I know this?  Because I am a real sports fan.
• My oldest got out of the shower one night this week and started yelling for a towel. Because he lacked the forethought to grab one before he got into the shower, I ignored his pleas.  Eventually he got cold enough to patter to the linen closet to get his own towel. As a family we refuse to throw any towel away until it is literally threadbare, we have a gazillion towels.  What does my son grab to dry himself with? A floor mat.
• More than a year and a half ago we cut cable.  Because of this, I am just getting to season 6 of The Walking Dead.  The binge watch has commenced.
• The best thing to happen this week?  My dog finally got over his case of the trots.  Ever since he had to have surgery to remove a squeaky toy from his stomach he has been more susceptible to intestinal issues.  So, for four or five days I get stuck making special meals of chicken and rice for him.  Yes, I have to spend more time on his meals than I do on my own lunches.  I get no discernible thanks for this process.  Well, at least he’s handsome, and not a cat.
• Halloween came and went on Monday.  My kids went out and got candy dressed as Indiana jones and some kind of Star Wars storm trooper with no mask and a Nerf Gun. As an adult I have figured out a better way to get candy on Halloween than going door to door and counting on the kindness of my neighbors.  I just buy all of my favorite candies and then I  hand out as little as possible.

LINKS

• It has been 35 years to the day since the beginning of the Iranian hostage crisis.  CBS has an interesting photo retrospective.
• A Cubs fan drove from North Carolina to Indiana to listen to game 7 at his father’s graveside.  Real sports fan.
• Everyone can relax.  The Monkey King just let us know who would win the election.
• The Bataclan Theatre in Paris, sight of an Islamic terror attack one year ago, will be reopening with a concert by Sting on November 12.

A continuation of George Washington’s exclusive interview with me.  In the second half we cover many topics, including current day television, education, self-reliance, and the famous cherry tree story.

Let’s pick up where he left off.

G:  Seriously, I would quite like to meet that lady.  Who is she.

M:  Sir, I’ll see what I can do.

G:  Thank you, kind lad.

M:  What else would you like to know?

G:  I’m very curious.  My people were trying to explain television to me.  Maybe you could do a better job?

M:  Awesome.  I know lots about this subject.  Basically, it’s a box that you have in your home that you can watch things on. You can watch live sporting events, you can watch live news broadcasts of things that are happening all over the world, you can watch scripted entertainment programs, and you can even watch programs that follow other people around as they live their lives.

G:  So, instead of living your own lives, you sit at home and watch other people?  That seems a bit sad.

M:  No, it’s actually pretty cool.

G:  My opinion remains unchanged on this matter.  Is this “entertainment” available at all times?

M:  Oh, yeah.  There are hundreds of programming options to choose from.

G:  Who is watching in the middle of the day, when everyone is working or at school?

M:  Actually, we have about 95 million people out of the workforce right now, so there are plenty of folks who are available for daytime tv viewing.

G:  Pardon…..  How many?  Never you mind, let us proceed.  What is on television in the middle of the day?

M:  Mostly civil court shows and talk shows where people find out the paternity of their children.

G:  Saddening

M:  Withhold judgement until you’ve seen the first season of The Walking Dead.

G:  I mentioned education earlier.  How are we doing on education?  Or don’t people have time to read because of how much tv they watch?

M:  Ouch, Mr. president.  Harsh.

M:  We’re actually doing pretty well in the education area.  This year we’re going to have about 20.5 million people attending universities.  See, we read.

G:  That sounds wonderful.

M:  Absolutely, Mr. president.  Universities are offering more and more areas of study.  You can be exposed to many different ideas, and if a particular idea hurts your feelings or makes you feel bad, the universities provide safe spaces where you can go until you feel good again.

G:  Baaaaahahahahahahahahaha

M:  Baaaahahahaha,,,, I know,,,,,,  I almost couldn’t get it out.   Hahahahahaha

G:  Whew,,,,,…,, I needed that.  You are a funny fellow.

M:  I wish I could take credit for being funny, but that’s actually a true story.

G:  ……………

G:  You know, on my way here, we passed an exit for Valley Forge.  That wouldn’t be the same Valley Forge where I spent the winter during the revolution would it?

M:  Oh, yeah.  It’s a National Historical Park now.

G:  I hope the history books recorded how cold it was that winter.  It was miserable.

M:  It’s been well documented sir.

G:  It was freaking freezing.  I detest the cold.  I almost retreated.  Do you know why I didn’t?

M:  Why?

G:  So this nation of rugged, self-reliant people could have the freedom to determine their own destiny.  And,,,,,,,,,, now you have universities with safe spaces.

M:  Well, on the bright side, if you’re looking for warmer weather, the United States now includes two territories in the Caribbean.

G:  Fantastic!

M:  I know, right.

(High Five)

M:  Hey, did you want to know anything about the current election?

G:  No, I abhor politics.

M:  Good, because that would have been harder to explain than the Vanity Fair cover.

M:  Before you go Mr. president, I have one question for you.  What’s the story with that cherry tree?

G:  Oh.  You know about that?  Well, here is the real story.  My mother was threatening to add cherry juice to her lemonade recipe.  I considered that unacceptable.  So, down went the tree.

M:  Well, sir, I have to say, you were way wrong on that one.  We put cherry juice in everything now.  Lemonade, apple juice, cranberry juice, cola……

G:  Ludicrous.

M:  You should give it a chance.

G:  We shall see.

M:  I don’t want you to be late for Hamilton.  We never got around to talking about popular music, but here are a few CD’s for you to listen to on the way to New York.

G:  ‘Bowling For Soup’ and ‘Motley Crue’?

M:  You’re gonna love it.

G:  Thank you.

M:  Sir, it’s been an honor.

There you have it.  Hard hitting.  Full of important content.  And most of all, exclusive.  You won’t find this anywhere else.

 

In a surprise longwalkabout exclusive, George Washington has secured an interview with yours truly.  His representatives contacted me, and they tell me that he is very interested in learning about the current state of the country. I, of course, was extremely flattered.  I wanted to know why he chose me in particular.  They bluntly stated that it was because Ryan Seacrest couldn’t fit him into his schedule until March of next year, and they were told I wouldn’t be busy, like,,, at all.  A little bit hurtful to be honest.

Without further adieu.

M:  Mr. President, what a pleasure, truly honored to meet you.

G:  A pleasure to meet you too, not to be rude, but if we could jump right into things, My people have managed to get me tickets to Hamilton this evening.

M:  Sure, sure, what would you like to know?

G:  Well, I wanted to talk to someone about the state of things in America.  I’m here to learn.

M:  Great.  I brought some things to show you.  Here’s a dollar.  As you can see, you’re featured prominently on this bill.

G:  May I?

M:  Of course.

G:  What can you buy with a dollar?

M:  Not much to be honest.  But with four of them you can get a loaf of bread.  With five, you can get a gallon of milk.

G:  Wow.  So I’m on a semi-worthless bill?

M:  Sort of.  But it is our most common currency. So you’ve got that going for you.

G:  Is there a hundred dollar bill?

M: Oh yeah, absolutely.

G:  Who’s on that one?

M:  Benjamin Franklin.

G:  You’ve got to be freaking kidding me.  He wasn’t even a president.  I swear, he weaseled his way into everything.

M: ……

G:  Well,,,,, let’s move on.  I’m curious, what do we build in America these days?

M:  Glad that you asked.  We build a lot of Dollar Stores where we sell tchotchkes that are made in China.  So, there you go.  A lot of bills with your face on them are spent there. Also we build a ton of pharmacies.  I mean, there’s one on virtually every corner.  Oh, and convenience stores, we also build those.  When I think of it, the sheer number of convenience stores may have something to do with the number of pharmacies.

G:  Somewhat depressing.  Do we actually produce any goods of our own?

M:  Ummmm.  Not much in the way of physical goods, but we’ve made eighteen Fast and Furious movies.

G:  So, if as a country, we don’t produce anything, what does everyone do for work?

M:  Well, a lot of people work for the government.  And hey, don’t forget about all those Dollar Stores, convenience stores, and pharmacies.  People work there too.

G:  Wait, wait, wait.  You said the government employs a lot of people.

M:  Oh yeah, tons of people.

G:  What do they do?

M:  No one’s really sure.  Except for the IRS.  They collect taxes.

G:  Taxes?

M:  Yeah.

G:  …………

M:  …………

M:  Maybe we should move on.  Not sure if you’re aware of this, but they built a huge monument in your name in DC.  I brought a photo of it to show you.

G:  Great,,,,,,, an obelisk.  How many times do I have to tell people that I’m not a Freemason?  Those guys latched on to me and they won’t let it drop.

M:  So, you don’t like the monument?

G:  To be honest, I’m not a fan.  What’s that monument across the pool from mine?

M:  Oh that, that’s Abraham Lincoln’s monument.  He was another president.

G:  That is classy.  I much prefer that.

M:  I kind of agree with you sir.

M:  Here’s some other stuff I brought.  These are all magazines that are published in the United States today.

G:  Who is that handsome lady on the cover of Vanity Fair?

M:  Oh,,,,, right,,,,,, I don’t think we have enough time for me to explain that, sir.

(to be continued)

This past weekend I went backpacking on the Appalachian Trail in Pennsylvania with my dad and my two boys.  We try to get out on the trail together once a year.  The past two years we went in late October/early November and were treated to nights in the low twenties.  (That would be Fahrenheit you weird metric system people.) If you’ve read any of this blog, you are quite aware of my aversion to cold weather.  This year the weather was just about perfect.  Sixties during the day and mid forties at night.  Nice.  It’s kind of cool to be able to do this right now.  Three generations on the trail together.

• My youngest son is seven.  He is a 100 percenter. Whatever he is feeling at any moment,,,, he is feeling it 100 percent.  So hiking with him goes like this.  First mile-  This is exciting, I’m going to run, I like being in the woods. Second mile-  We’ll never make it, I want to go home.  Where is grandpa?  He’s left us behind, I can’t see him.  Third mile-  Lot’s of slow walking, occasional sitting, and a few tears.  Then we stop for a snack and repeat the whole process.
• My oldest son is eleven now.  He usually walks with grandpa.  Within half a mile they leave me behind with his brother so I can ride the roller coaster of emotions with him. My oldest can usually be found walking with at least one shoe untied.  When you mention this to him the response is something like, “Meh”, or, “Ok”, and he just keeps walking. Often you get no response at all because he is designing some kind of video game world in his head or thinking about Pokemon.  Later he will fall on the trail and not connect this at all to the fact that he was walking with one shoe untied.
• My dad took our family hiking when I was a kid. It’s where I learned to love the trail.  Since I was a kid, his hiking style has not changed.  He has one speed, and if you’re not walking that speed, you’re getting left behind.  On one of our first hiking trips when I was little, we started in on the trail late behind the group we were supposed to be walking with.  It was me, my dad, my mom, and a friend of theirs.  I kept up with my dad as we walked into the night to catch the rest of the group.  My mom and the other person didn’t walk the same speed.  So, what happened?  That’s right.  They got left.  Behind.  In the dark.  Don’t worry.  They eventually arrived at the campsite. He still walks faster than the rest of us, but at least now he’ll text us to let us know when he’s stopped to wait.
• Me.  I love being in the woods.  I’m handing that down to my kids.  Hopefully one day they’ll hand it down to theirs.  I love the clean air.  I love the sense of self-reliance.  I love sleeping under the stars.  I’d like to get out there more.  I enjoy every minute,,,,,,, except for the time spent prodding my seven year old along.  That’s grueling.

Being on the trail is a recharge for me.  Remember that old movie They Live.  Yes, the one with Rowdy Roddy Piper.  Every time he put on his “special” Ray Bans he could see the alien invaders who had disguised themselves as human.  I know it sounds iffy, but it’s got an 83% on Rotten Tomatoes.  Well, every time I put on my “special” sunglasses and look at road signs, this is how I see the world.  Welcome to the city.  (Here we will steal your soul)  Welcome to the suburbs.  (Here we will steal your soul more more slowly, while you sip a latte, and shop at Hollister and American Eagle Outfitters. But the end result is the same.) ‘Welcome to the trail.  (Here you can recharge your soul.)

LINKS

• Home of the Appalachian Trail Conservancy.  Great site.
• If you want to backpack, but you’re new to the trail.  Here’s a checklist of gear you may need.
• On this date in 1959, The Guggenheim opened in New York.
• A new Bon Jovi album is coming out on November 4.  To celebrate, here’s Wanted Dead Or Alive.  Classic.