LONGWALKABOUT

 

• This weekend I was sitting at home and pondering Lord of the Rings.  This is something I do in quiet moments, when I’m not thinking about important things, like the ending of How I Met Your Mother, or wondering why it is so quiet and where my kids are.  I have come to the conclusion that Frodo was a huge whiner.  Sam might have been a great friend, but he was really an enabler.  I think that Frodo needed a tougher traveling companion.  Like maybe a plumber from New Jersey.  Every time Frodo got whiny, the plumber would have some choice words and a story for him.  “You think this is bad, little guy?  I was on a job one Christmas Eve.  The sewer line backed up into the basement, and we had to unclog it all while standing in eight inches of poop.  Mordor is a cakewalk compared to that.  Suck it up, buttercup.  There’s no way I’m carrying you up Mount Doom, I’ve got a bad back.”  Also.  He would never have been tempted to steal the ring because it wouldn’t have been gaudy enough for his wife.
• Ahhh, quiet moments.  It was really quiet for a while last night.  After I was done thinking about the end of How I Met Your Mother, I decided find out why it was so quiet.  I found my ten year old trying to hypnotize my six year old with a Steamtown National Historical Park pocket watch.  This was really amusing.  If he did end up hypnotizing the little guy, I was totally going to use it to my advantage.  I had a list of requests.  “Tell him that he needs to try some foods that aren’t chicken nuggets, pizza, or strawberries.”  “Tell him that he needs to clean his room once a week.”  “Tell him he needs to use his ‘indoor’ voice at all times.”
• My favorite football team took a tough loss this weekend.  When this happens I have to really fight to adjust my attitude.  It can take anywhere from one to two hours.  That’s not bad, considering that it used to take all the way to Wednesday when I was younger.  I’ve tried not caring as much, or watching the games with more of an analytical eye.  You know what happens?  I don’t get as upset about the losses, but I don’t enjoy the wins as much either.  I’ve decided that my relationship to my favorite teams is meant to be an emotional one.  The third and fourth quarters of games are meant to upset your stomach.  Last minute field goals for the win are meant to make you feel good until next Sunday.  In the end, when your team wins a championship, you are supposed to feel like a part of it.  That being said.  There are some franchises that have been emotionally abusing their fans for years.  In fact, I think that they should be required to provide complimentary therapy for anyone who buys season tickets.  (You hear me Philadelphia and Cleveland?)

LINKS

• The best selfie ever.
• A ghost fleet of ships recently washed up on the shores of Japan.
•  On the last day of November.  November Rain from the 1992 VMA’s.
• Aerial views from a North Korean helicopter tour.  I found it kind of fascinating.

I’m finally done eating.  I was full a while ago, but that didn’t stop me.  Like Louis C.K. says, “I’m not done eating when I’m full.  I’m done eating when I hate myself.”  Now that I am thoroughly disgusted with my gluttony, it’s time to reflect on the top ten things that I am thankful for this year.  Here we go.

1. I am thankful that I got to spend the summer with my boys.  It was priceless.
2. I am thankful that George Lucas will have nothing to do with future Star Wars movies.  Not only did he ruin three already, he messed up an Indiana Jones movie too.  You’d think that would be impossible, but then they brought in Shia LaBeouf and had him swinging through the trees like Tarzan.  Movie ruined.
3. I am thankful that my wife’s best friend came to spend Thanksgiving with us.  They were up late cooking last night.  I was also working,,,,,,,,,, on a Jessica Jones binge watch.
4. I am thankful for Jimmy Fallon’s thank you notes.
5. I am thankful for the teachers at my kid’s school.  They’ve all been really great for them.
6. I am thankful for Chipotle.  I’ll risk a little E. Coli and salmonella for a good burrito.  I applaud them for trying to create a real, “I’m eating in Mexico”, experience.”
7. I’m thankful that family and friends visit during the holidays.  HOWEVER.  I am not thankful that everyone nixed my idea of a Mexican Thanksgiving.  I was left without recourse, so I did what the New York Times would have done, and just called them all xenophobes.
8. I am thankful for football.  It gives me something to do during those long winter months, which I affectionately refer to as the “devil’s season.”  I recently told my wife that the winter was my least favorite thing about the fall of man.  She replied by telling me that I was “ridiculous”,  or something like that.
9. I am thankful that God created avacados.  I feel like avocados are one of those things that were extra flourishes of creation.  Like platypuses, narwhals, starfruit, and lightning bugs.  God was like, “I don’t have to make these things, but life will be cooler with them around.”
10. I am thankful for anyone who takes the time to drop in and read this blog every once in a while.

Everyone have a great, great holiday season.

 

Now for the final chapter in the Stranger Danger For Adults series.  Just to refresh, this is a list of people that we as adults should avoid if we wish to have peaceful days with limited frustration.  We are always telling our kids who to avoid.  Guys in windowless vans.  People offering candy on days other than Halloween.  British TV hosts.  People who can’t find their dogs.  Subway spokespeople.  But no one has put out a list of people for adults to avoid.  UNTIL NOW.  You can search through my poorly organized blog history to find the previous three editions.  As a trilogy, they are better than the Star Wars prequels.  Here we go!

• Guys who dress better than their wives.  Dude.  C’mon.  Part of your job as a husband is to not outshine your wife.  When you stand next to each other, people should say, “How did he get her to marry him?”  Any time I look well put together, it’s because my wife has dressed me.  Guys who are always pretty will–  A: Never help you move.  And.  B: Possibly try to pick up YOUR wife.
• People who insist on introducing you to obscure musical acts.  Example:  “Bro, I just heard this new band from Des Moines.  The Starchy Root Vegetables.   They are great.  Real musician’s musicians.  They are far superior to whatever you are listening to.”  Back off.  If they are any good, I’ll hear of them from someone other than you,,, like the radio.
• People who have never seen the original Point Break.   I have one thing on my Christmas list.  This shirt.  Don’t let me down people.
  

  Merry Christmas to me.

• People who don’t like roller coasters.  You get all psyched to go to the amusement park with your friends, and when you get there, that one person makes everyone else feel guilty by refusing to get in line for the roller coasters.  At that point, you either say, “Okay, lets all go ride the carousel.  That way we can keep the group together.”  OR.  You can be like Marc.  “What time should we meet you in the parking lot?”
• People who wait in line for days at the apple store to replace their fully-functional, 9-month old iPhone.  No one has been able to explain to me how getting a new phone two weeks before everyone else has made their lives super fantastic.  Unless people are using the line as a way to meet people.  If so, that might be kind of genius.  It’s not like the other person is going to get out of line.  They are obviously as much of a techie as you are.  You have like forty eight hours to convince them to go on a date with you.  Good luck finding your future spouse.
• People who cut the line at Chipotle.  This is a serious breach of etiquette.  I don’t think that people realize how dangerous getting between me and a burrito is.  I am willing to wait my turn in line, but if someone cuts in front of me, it may lead to odd newspaper headlines.  “Man Bitten in Bizarre Food Rage Incident.“
• People who pay with checks at the grocery store.  (Sorry mom and dad.)
• Clowns.  I can’t emphasize this enough.

LINKS

• The lady who was the face of the original Gerber baby just turned 89.
• Everyone worried about ISIS can rest easy.  The mafia has offered to help protect New York.
• I have a film recommendation.  Exit Though The Gift Shop.  For a movie about street art, it goes places you’d never expect.
• A firefighter in Mississippi received a face transplant.  It’s crazy.

Here are five things to think about this Thursday evening.  They are not listed in any order of importance, but if they were, numbers one and three would probably be in their correct places.  Number four would switch places with number two.  Number five isn’t really important at all, but it had to have a number assigned to it.  At any rate, pay no attention to the numbers.  Unless you have some kind of OCD.  Then, by all means, cut and paste the article into Word.  If you do that, you can rearrange everything to your liking.

1. Paris.  What can you say about something like that?  I’ve decided that I can’t really add anything new to the conversation except for my prayers.  I do love the city of Paris.  Six years ago I had the opportunity to visit.  I am not a city person.  I can stomach New York once or twice a year.  I live outside of Philadelphia, and I virtually never go there.  The place is full of Eagles fans.  😉  There truly is something about Paris, though.  It’s not called the City of Love for nothing.
2. My youngest son has decided that he simply must have a yo-yo.  This caught me off guard.  Next thing you know he’ll be asking for a hoop that he can push around the driveway with a stick.  Or maybe he’ll want an Atari.  He’s an old soul.
3. My dad and I took my two boys backpacking last weekend.  It was the first trip for my six year old, and the stretch of trail that we did was somewhere around eight and a half miles.  We hiked about six miles on the first day, set up a camp to spend the night, and walked the remaining two and a half miles the next morning.  That distance with a six year old was slightly ambitious.  I ended up carrying him on my shoulders for a total distance of around a mile.  If you’re keeping score.  That would be a pack that weighed forty five pounds and a six year old that weighed fifty.  A grand total of ninety five.  It’s as fun as it sounds.  I saw several guys who had already set up their camp late on the first day, and as I walked past carrying kid and all, I heard one of them say, “Oooohhhh!  God bless you man.”
4. I watched Jurassic World with the kids last week.  Aside from being thoroughly unimpressed, I had a few thoughts.  If dinosaurs were truly that dangerous, people would be extinct and they would still be here.  Because most of what we know about them is a guess, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that they were just brooding artist types.  They were quiet and kept to themselves, mumbling about being misunderstood, and making cave drawings.  Noah got tired of their moodiness and “forgot” to send out their Ark invite.
5. It has been twenty five years since Milli Vanilli were stripped of their Grammy award.  They were truly ahead of their time.  Half of the artists who perform live today aren’t actually singing.

Coming Sunday:  Stranger Danger For Adults part 4.

Coming Thanksgiving:  The Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For 2015.

 

Yosemite.  Pronounced, yoh-sem-i-tee.  Or as a person I once met pronounced it.  yoh-se-might.  However you choose to pronounce it, nothing can change the fact that it is one of the most beautiful places in a country that has no shortage of beautiful places.  The scale of the valley on first encounter is breathtaking.

Shortly after my wife and I got married, she was invited to attend a conference in San Francisco.  I, of course said, “When do WE leave?”  So, WE started to make OUR travel arrangements.  It turned out that we would be traveling with another couple.  They suggested that it might be a good idea to add some days on to the end of the trip so we could all go check out Yosemite.  My wallet started to protest, saying something about not having enough money, but I told him to shut up or I was going to trade him in for a nice aligator skin model that I saw at Marshalls.  That settled it.  Adventure here we come.

The conference went well.  At least I’m assuming it did.  While my wife and her colleague spent their days there, I roamed the city with the the colleague’s husband.  Time flew, and before we knew it, we were picking up our rental car to head out to the Sierra Nevadas.

We had two days to spend in the park.  That’s really not enough time to do it justice.  You could spend a whole season there.  As it happened, we were in town during the winter season.  There was three feet of snow on the ground in Badger Pass, and the floor of the valley itself also had snow cover.  This limited our activities somewhat, but it also kept the crowds away.  We tried cross-country skiing, took a guided photography hike, and went snowshoeing with a ranger at Badger Pass.  We also decided to check out the historic Ahwahnee lodge.  On the way there a couple of coyotes crossed the road in front of us.  Apparently coyotes are as common in Yosemite as squirrels are in Pennsylvania. But we weren’t from the area.  My wife and I are east coasters.  The couple we were traveling with were from England and France respectively, so this was super exciting for us.  We stopped our car so we could get a picture.  This angered the person in the car following us.  They honked and swerved around us, yelling something mocking like, “OOOOOhhh, looooook, a coyote.  Get out of the road!”  That upset our English friend.  He decided that this offense must be dealt with.  We followed this other person all the way to the hotel parking lot where he got out of the car and gave the other driver a proper English dressing down.  I’ve lived in New Jersey for around half of my life, so I am familiar with road rage and yelling at other drivers.  In all my years, I have never seen a more polite road rage incident.  Seriously.  Not one four letter word was used.  In New Jersey, a road rage incident without four letter words would just be called silence with a bunch of dirty looks.

Our last day in the park, we decided to go check out the Mariposa Grove of Giant Sequoias.  The park office informed us that the road to the grove was closed due to snow, but we could all rent snowshoes and walk the two miles to see the trees.  We could knock that out in an afternoon.  Then they told us that if we didn’t have the snowshoes back by the time the rental shop closed, we’d have to pay for another day’s rental.  At this point, my wallet dared to speak up again.  “Hey Marc, I know you like that aligator skin wallet, and I’m not gonna lie, that really hurts my feelings, but we can’t afford to waste money on renting snowshoes for an extra day if we aren’t getting to use them.”  I knew he was right.  I made up my mind that this was going to be the fastest four mile snowshoe that Yosemite had ever seen.  Halfway through, I realized that the words fast and snowshoe had probably never been used together before.  My English friend, trying to be helpful, pointed out that normal human walking speed was three miles an hour.  This was completely useless information.  It’s like saying, “Hey I know you’re on a moped going 30 mph, but if you were riding a Harley you could be going 80 mph.”  Nevertheless, I walked as fast as I could in snowshoes and two feet of snow.  Long story short.  The trees are magnificent.  And,,,,,,,, my wallet and I were both happy at the end of the day.

I now have two kids who are mostly unimpressed with wherever I take them for vacation.  I think that it may be time for another visit to the Yo-Se-Might valley.  If that doesn’t impress them, I’m never taking them on vacation with me again.  I know my wallet will be happy about that.

 

 

Everyone has seen the Game of Thrones memes.  Brace yourselves, (insert something here) is coming.  Well,,,,, Brace yourselves, toy catalogs are coming.  It’s that magical time of year that leads up to Christmas.  The time of year where we spend two whole months shopping so on Christmas morning we can all stand around and sanctimoniously say, “Remember the reason for the season……… Now rip open those gifts.”

Wow, that sounded grumpy.  Sorry.  I love Christmas.  I love capitalism.  I love watching my kids open gifts.  But if I have to find a place to put one more toy that gets played with one time a year, I swear I’m going to build a giant slingshot and see how far I can launch everything into the Delaware River.  Extra points if I can hit a tug boat.

We started Christmas shopping in earnest last night.  The start of our shopping this year coincides with a major purge of stuff from the house.  The result of the merging of these two things?  My kids are getting nothing useless for Christmas.  Boundaries have been set.  Each gift must fall into one or more of four criteria.

1. It’s educational.
2. It’s a book.
3. It’s something that enables you to have an experience.
4. LEGOS

Legos are a category on their own.  Expensive, yes.  But they’re creative, and if we ever have a Home Alone situation, I’m sure the kids will find some way to use them that will severely injure Joe Pesci and his sidekick.

Throughout life, we accumulate things.  One day we all stop,  look around, and say, “There is a whole room of my house that I don’t use because it’s full of,,,,,,,,, I’m not sure what it’s full of.”  At my home I try to walk into that room to sort through things, and I step on a Lego.  Down I go covered in an avalanche of lonely stuffed animals, matchbox cars, and a fully functioning light up Batmobile.  While I wait for my wife to come and dig me out I have plenty of time to think, because she finds it hilarious that I am buried in stuff that she’s been wanting to get rid of.  She’s going to leave me there for a while.  I come to the conclusion that instead of having rooms full of stuff, I’d rather have a head full of memories from awesome experiences.

Stuff ends up owning us.  It all depreciates in value.  (Sorry guys, all those Lord of the Rings figurines aren’t worth what you think they are.)  Experiences always appreciate.  Knowledge always appreciates.  They help us grow as people and they expand our world.

This holiday season, I’m going to try to start teaching my kids this lesson, so when they get older, they’ll know the value of experiences and memories vs things.  That’s the best Christmas gift I can give them.  That,,,,, and a true recognition of the Reason for the Season.  

LINKS

• Some people you just can’t please.  Here are the funniest Tripadvisor complaints about National Parks.
• This houseboat looks like my future home.
• On this day in 1950, USAF Lt. Russell Brown became the first pilot to shoot down another plane in a jet aircraft vs. jet aircraft dogfight.
• Interesting article about how having Howard Stern as a dad affected one of his daughters.

I’m an introverted person.  I tend to avoid social gatherings.  Recently I ran across a meme on the net that said, “My favorite party trick is not going.”  I thought it was a funny, accurate description of me.  My wife thought it was accurate,,,,, just accurate.  For her sake, I have been putting a lot of effort into being more social.  Now when she tells me we’re going out, I say, “Great.”  Then we go out, and this is how I see the evening.

7:00 PM-  We arrive at the gathering.  Handshakes.  I’m good with handshakes.  Uh oh.  We’ve got a hugger.  I exchange an awkward hug with the other person, and then for approximately the next three minutes, I wonder to myself if the other person found the hug as awkward as I did.  Because I’m thinking about that, I give a totally bizarre answer to a normal question that someone has asked.  Them-“How is your dog?”  Me-“He’s doing great.  He’s getting really good grades this year.”  Awesome, now I can move on from thinking about the awkward hug and start thinking about this fine exchange.

7:15 PM-  I start to look for refreshments.  I know that I’m going to be talking to a lot of people, and my hands are going to need something to hold, or they are going to needlessly get involved in the conversation.  If I have a cup, it gives them a mission.  Also, when one of those weird silences comes, I can always take a drink, or if my cup is empty, I can pretend to take a drink.

7:45 PM-  I am standing off to the side, marveling at my wife as she carries on talking to people that she just met.  Of the two of us, she has always been the outgoing one.  That was great for me.  We used to sit together in the back of our high school algebra class.  Me with my mullet and baseball cap, looking uninterested and, in general, not happy to be there. (Believe it or not, I haven’t always been the ladies man that you see today.)  She could have just ignored me, but instead, my pretty, outgoing wife thought it would be fun to badger the quiet guy in the back of the class with questions until he came out of his shell.  So, I came out of my shell and convinced her to marry me.  Be careful what you ask for.

8:15 PM-  I know that there is a baseball game on.  I try to find a spot where my wife can’t see me check my phone for the score.  If she sees me, I’ll be sure to get a disapproving look.  Then later, in the car, I’ll get the lecture that goes along with the look.  I have been informed that this is impolite.

8:30 PM-  I spot friends of ours.  I take my cup over and start talking to them.  Now I’m comfortable.  I can handle this.  Some  strangers join our group and I think to myself that I might not even look socially weird to them.

9:30 PM-  I am finally fully comfortable.

9:45  PM-  Time to go home.  In the car I tell my wife how exhausted I am.  She rolls her eyes, pats me on the shoulder, and tells me I did pretty good.

As you can see I am the life of the party, and if you ever see me in the corner with my phone at a get together I’m probably still wondering if you thought that initial hug was as weird as I did.

 

1. My wife is the best music critic I know.  Not because she breaks songs down with technical criticisms, but because music that she doesn’t like actually makes her angry.  Wanna hear a twenty minute diatribe?  Put on the first five seconds of Jimmy Buffett’s, A Pirate Looks At Forty.  “Mother, mother ocean.”  Then it starts.  “That line ruins the whole song.  I can’t stand that nonsense.”  I love it.  Makes me laugh every time.
2. I saw a commercial that told me that I can now order from Dominos via Twitter.  This doesn’t seem like a great idea.  Of all the things I have ever thought about tweeting at Dominos, an order wasn’t one of them.  It will probably make prank ordering much less of a hassle though.
3. Halloween has come and gone.  How much did my family spend on costumes?  Zero dollars.  We said, “Kids what do you want to be for Halloween?  We suggest you wear the same thing as last year.”  They fell for it.  It was funny because my ten year old’s costume legs ended halfway up his ankles.  It looked like Boba Fett had a horrible tailor.  Next year we may put a little more effort in.  My plan is to grow a mustache and put on a Hawaiian shirt, tuck it into my jeans, and go as Magnum P.I.  I want to dress my six year old up as Higgins. My ten year old can be Rick.  And my wife can be the mysterious Robin Masters.
4. If you have ever paid for a ringtone, you have forfeited your right to complain about anything.  We could be hanging out and you might start complaining about the price of gas, and I’ll just stop you right there.  “Zip it.  No complaining.  Remember, you paid money so you could hear the Milkshake song every time your wife called you.  I don’t want to hear any First World whining.”
5. I think that if we ever do invent a time machine, the first thing we should do is send anti-vaccine people back to the middle ages.  That way they can enjoy the smallpox, diphtheria, yellow fever, and typhoid.  At least they’ll be able to get quality equestrian instruction.  That way, IF we decide to bring them back to the present, they can all get jobs at Medieval Times, or travel with a renaissance fair, and my guess is, we’ll never have to deal with their nonsense again.

LINKS

• Today is Dia De Los Muertos.  Here is a link explaining the origins.  I love the artwork.
• Hotels gross me out a little.  10 Hotel Secrets.
• To celebrate the release of Spectre, here is an interactive map that shows everywhere James Bond has ever been.
• Cool new hoverboard.  I must have one.

Fall and spring are the best times of year for backpacking.  It’s not hot.  The bugs are minimal.  The nights are good for sleeping.  I get out into the woods when I can.  Schedules fill up, and life happens, so the result is, I don’t get out as much as I would like.  Whenever I do get the chance to go, one of the hardest things to arrange is a ride to wherever my friends and I are getting on the trail.

About ten years ago I organized a weekend trip up near the Delaware Water Gap in northeast Pennsylvania.  I invited two of my wife’s cousins and good buddy of mine from high school, who lived up in that area.  I didn’t arrange a ride to the trailhead in advance, but being an eternal optimist, I figured we’d work something out.  We all got together on the day of the trip and started calling people we knew in the area to see if they’d give us a ride.  It took about an hour, but we found and acquaintance of a friend who was willing.  I will avoid using names to protect the guilty.

He pulled up in an older model car with his dog, and we all piled in.  My buddy sat in the back with my wife’s two cousins, and I sat in the front with a medium sized dog on my lap.  My buddy knew who this guy was so the small talk started.

“Which dog is this?”

“This is Bear, Booger died.  He got hit by a car.”

“Oh,,,,,, that’s too bad.”

So, apparently it was Bear sitting on my lap.  I felt like asking Bear why my leg was getting wet, but I didn’t want to be rude.  I was sitting in his seat.

“You guys should probably put on your seat belts.  I don’t exactly have a valid driver’s license.  Once we get to Pennsy we should be alright, but these Jersey cops are @$#%$!.”

I looked in the backseat to find everyone buckling up.  Everyone was also smiling.  I was trying not to smile, but probably not doing a great job.  There we were, buckled up, obeying all traffic laws, and in general, trying not to look pull overable.  Meanwhile, I was disturbed by my wet leg.  Thanks, Bear.

Some people may say, “You should have found someone else to give you a ride.”  To that I say, “Why?  So we could all make polite small talk about the weather and be delivered safely to our trailhead?”  I maintain that his ride was far more entertaining.  Instead of talking about the weather, we got to hear our driver’s explanation of why the New Jersey cops were @$#%$!.  We also had the added excitement of knowing that if we were pulled over, our driver would likely be arrested.

The forty five minute trip went by uneventfully.  He dropped us off, we got on the trail, and we talked and laughed about our ride for first mile or two.

UPDATE:  While our driver did not end up going to jail on that particular day, he did eventually spend some time as a guest of the Feds.  The government will let you get away with a lot of things, but when you take part in a bank robbery, they feel like you might need some timeout.  Don’t worry about our driver.  He was released recently, which is good news, because that means he’s available to give us a ride next time we go hiking.

 

 

I used to look forward to cool weather.  I used to snowboard.  I used to camp in the snow.  I used to go to work in the summer and say, “I prefer cool weather, because you can always warm up, but when it’s hot, you can’t always cool down.”  What a crock.  Cold weather is awful.  It gets into your bones and you don’t actually get warm again until somewhere in mid June.

I was in Florida for a wedding last weekend (hence the wedding article).  When we got on the plane to return home from Tampa, the temperature was in the 80’s.  When I got off the plane in Philly the temperature was in the 40’s.  This was very depressing.  I thought, “You’re not going to make it.  You need some motivation to get through this.”  So, I decided to make list of good things about the fall season.  I’ll stick it on the wall near the front door.  Every time I have to go outside, I’ll put on my coziest sweatshirt, pop in my earbuds and blare You’re The Best Around by Joe Esposito (you know, from Karate Kid), and read my pump up list.

• Fall Foliage:  In my area we usually get beautiful fall colors.  I appreciate the beauty of nature even more when the tree is in someone else’s yard.  Those are leaves that I won’t have to pick up, unless I am sentenced to some kind of community service.
• Pumpkin Spice Everything:  I should clarify.  I don’t actually consume anything that is pumpkin flavored.  But I do enjoy seeing people get excited about the return of the pumpkin spice.  I also enjoy it when all of the people who look forward to pumpkin spice returning are made fun of.  Sometimes I am involved in making fun of them.  Like I’m doing right now.
• Movies:  A lot of the big blockbusters come out in the summertime, but November and December are good movie months too.  Bond movies always come out in November.  This year we have the last Hunger Games movie and the new Star Wars movie too.  Have you seen the trailer for that thing?  It looks great.  I would be remiss if I didn’t mention horror movies.  October is horror movie central.  I like them.  My wife hates them.  We went to see Scream in the theater.  We were in the back row and she was so stressed out that at one point she was standing with her back pressed against the wall and she had the funniest look on her face.  This presented a problem for me because the movie was entertaining, but so was the spectacle taking place beside me, and I didn’t want to miss either one.
• Halloween:  I know people who get all discombooberated about Halloween.  There all like, “It’s the devil’s holiday.”  Look, unless you’re sacrificing goats in your backyard on the 31st, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.  Hershey’s bought the holiday from the devil in 1932 anyways.  My kids don’t like to trick or treat all that much.  This is a little weird to me but I don’t push them.  I just make them continue until I feel like they have a satisfactory number of Sweet Tarts in their bags.  Yes, I take all their Sweet Tarts.  What?
• Thanksgiving:  Football and food.  What could make it better?? All Mexican food Thanksgiving.  I don’t know one person who’s ever said, “You know which holiday has the most delicious food? Thanksgiving.”  The most food.  Yes.  The best food.  No.  It’s mostly kind of bland.  Last year I proposed to make Thanksgiving have the best and the most food.  I think the Pilgrims and the Wampanoags would approve.

That’s really all I can think of.  Give me 95 degrees with high humidity.  Give me that heat that makes you sweat the minute you walk out the door.  Because you know what?  You can always cool down if it’s hot, but when it’s cold, you can’t always warm up.